Last Call Into Night

Situational crossroads like tonight make me hate life, God, the world, our institutions, and people in general.

I got denied for social security and while mom missed it, because we were at my grandfather's funeral, the notice of the foreclosure process from the bank got sent because in my disability and my mom's broken insanity (and my being totally alone in this life shattering mess) I wasn't able to get all the paperwork filed.

There's a chance that things will still work, but if they don't, if God bails on me, on us, I'm done for good.

This world has taken everything that is precious from me and everyone who could have acted justly to stop that from occurring stood in silence.

The pain and wrongness of it all. The unmitigated moral iniquity of it all.

I am mashing my teeth, wrenching my hands, and making great lamentations.

The world is a cold and desolate placed filled with armies of unfeeling bystanders who like the many white churches in America, keep driving by, those in suffering.

This person, however, cannot watch the swaths of suffering any longer, cannot sit by doing what little he is able while suffering perpetuates, while everything and everyone he loves is stolen from him. I cannot do this any longer. I will not stand by to watch the destruction of the world or the church by the armies of the godless who claim to stand for justice any longer.

When this trial is at a close, when I've done all that I can and I find myself homeless: the childhood home in which I have resided and grown since 3rd grade taken from me, with the soulless bastards of humanity cheering on my destruction while claiming to be arbiters of justice and equity; when these things have all been expended and nothing more remains and I have lost everything and am living a homeless life, with my "selfish cunt of an aunt" sneering on, taunting my mother and I in our suffering as she reiterates how it's all our fault and how we brought this on ourselves, when those godless creatures in the church command that this is yet another reason to "disintegrate" from my mom, because she belongs in an institution where "proper care can be administered", when the heartless have finally taken refuge in the hearts of all those livings, when this shall come to pass, I shall make my only expression left to offer in silence. I shall make one last and final statement to the world and it shall be the shortest, briefest, and most concise statement I can offer.

You can read between the lines and decide for yourselves what that will mean.

I'm fed up with fighting and with losing. I've done this for too long and it just is not worth it anymore.

I am besieged by legions seeking for my destruction and I am battered on all sides by the forces of unricheousness and unholy monsters who seek for my destruction, my condemnation.

I am alone in the wilderness. I am broken. I suffer. God has yet to show Emself and until I see hope, I shall morn for lack of it. May the Lord have mercy upon your souls.