My parents

It's human nature. I would argue that my dad was equally slothenly in this area, plus, if males (and females) didn't put such ridiculous pressures on women to look a certain way, they wouldn't have to go to the hassles of this level of bullshit.

E.g., "Boy, if I could look as slobby and unkempt as you, no make-up, no product, having my underwear hanging out and shit, and not be seen as a 'slut' or trying to be 'loose', and at worst was seen as 'lazy' or 'trying to be gangster' and needing a better rolemodel, then maybe this 'shit' wouldn't be here..."

On the other hand, men predominantly design homes and I have yet to see one actually designed for all the hardware required to look "stylish".

E.g., where are the easy to access makeup drawers like at the mall, or all of those hidden roll out wall enclosures with everything you need? Where are all of the hooks for dryers, a built in seated dryer like at the salons so my hair won't over dry? Were are the hooks for my wet/dry, ceramic, ion producing straightening irons with the grips that cost me $350 only to last six months because the bathroom has shitty wiring or because men think that their beer cooler is FAR more important to properly wire? Where are the hooks for my curling iron, my ionic blow dryer, my I ran out of brain space to name hair styling products, my foundation, eyeliner, moisturizer, concealer, lipsticks, lip gloss, brushes, color guides, eye shadow, blush/rouge, my six brushes, combs, perfumes, skin creams so I don't turn into a 'wrinkled-old-hag' prematurely so you'll run off with a younger model, or brushes, wipe pads, sponges, mascaras, and all of the other non-animal tested crap you men sell to us because we have to fit your standards of 'beauty' in order to be loved?"

"Would you like to say something?"

"No mam..."

"Good. Now, wipe up your piss and get out. I've got to go dress up and outdo those stuck up nouveau riche bitches from the PTA. FUCKING C#$%S! Make sure to clean up your chips or I'll make you lick them off the floor."

"Yes mam."

:P

I had parents where were equally strong willed, mom an equal match for my dad, and something of a tomboy. My grandparents sent her to modeling school after college because they didn't think that she was cooth enough or elegant, etc., apparently too many years acting like a boy. :P

My dad on the other hand worked construction (my parents business; commercial concrete) and was horribly busy dealing with fuck-heads, dumbfucks, screwups, clusterfucks, and disasters of such magnitude their level of epic "OMFG!???!!!" notorious ephagies can still cause my mother to tell "stories" of a side splitting nature of "stupid." Not to mention partners trying to fuck him/screw him/us out of the business, and all manner of other CLASSIC male pattern tactics of fucking/brown nosing/killing/backstabbing epicness to get ahead of someone else for no apparently logical reason besides ego, greed, lust, envy, enmity, pride, or just being a fucking lifetroll.

Anyhow, dad wasn't around much and had such terrible expectations placed on him to be the star-everything (grandfather was an Olympic wrestler, head university football coach at UI for the Vandals, baseball coach, basketball coach, athletics director, etc., father was on the PGA, each of them was all-american, etc.,), so my dad was like "If YOU want to do it, son, then I will support you the whole way, but I won't pressure you. Also, the football program at your high school is a joke, and I don't want you to spend the rest of you life injured, so no football until you're a senior, etc. I knew plenty of world-class, NFL players who didn't start until their senior year.", and instead, cuz dad was busy, my mom taught me hit a baseball and helped teach the kids on my 2nd grade softball team (she worked previously as a recreational therapist, and had degrees in parks and recreation administration and planning, and one in recreational therapy from UW, the second as the first graduate with that degree, making her own program with the help of one of the therapists at University Hospital), swimming, etc. Although, mom did scare the crap out of me making me stick my face in the water (dad was strangely a lot more chill around water having been through UDT scuba training in the USMC. Mom and he constantly fought over " who knows best" and even though mom was a lifeguard, dad taught combat swimming and was the first enlisted man/person to graduate first in their class Navy Diving School, yet he'd let my mom teach me because "your mother thinks she knows everything and I can't handle the war." and they were constantly like that, battling it out, who knows best. It was hilarious. It turned into bar room brawls sometimes between them, you'd never be sure who hit first, because they were both "crazy". :P

It was awesome in many ways because it would make me look at most bullshit divorces and be like, for my mom, if dad had a PTSD episode, she'd punch him. He'd give her a " love-tap" and she'd "slug him." They could act like children. Hated and loved one a other. Drove each other crazy, and would do anything for the other person. Were the loyalest of friends not to mention best friends, and simultaneously were assholes and the most beautiful people you could imagine.

I learned about make-up, hair, etc., from mom, along with the whole female world, which probably explains my tendency to have female friends and a difficult time, or nonexistent time actually dating, because I look at women and am like, Um... Dating, but I want to hang out, talk, have fun and be friends? How do I move from let's go nerd out or talk life to, "dating"?!! O.o

It's hilarious and at times a bit sad watching me. I was and am so anti-normative male, being like a combination of the toughest MOFO on the face of the deep, "I walk through the valley of death and fear no evil, for I am the toughest mother fucker in the valley." with a "priss." I look at 99.9% of men, roll my eyes and think they are both "womanizing inferiors" and pussy, bullshit little fucks. I also tend to be attracted to smart, ass-kicking ladies", (who admittedly have a classic beauty about them) which is probably why I have a thing for Hayley Atwell's character from Marvel's Captain America/Agent Carter and a truly serious and badass Wonder Woman, as they remind me a lot of my mom, whom I respect beyond measure, just like my dad.

Mom also shared all the ins and outs of female life and personal life, which is why talking about a period with me is like talking to your girlfriend, because it produces ZERO shock value. Hell, I even went so far as to ask the adult nerdfighter group for recommendations to get her a replacement "happy device" so she can be somewhat less of a screaming, raving, you-know-what. :P This, by the way, is her lingo, because she'd joke, "So, why is dad being so nice all of a sudden?" "Oh... [Mischievous look, chuckle] He got some nookie." "So, was he successful for once?" "Sort of... But, he tries. It was easier before his heart attack and diabetes, and I tended to enjoy sex more when I drank. But, it improves his mood and he does try." Rape has a wonderful way of fucking up your sex-life, huh? 3/5 women who suffer thanks to 5-10% of the male population... :/

Anywhooo...

I know FAR too many things on both extremes and see men as either being a bunch of womanizing, male chauvinist pigs, with egos the size of mountains, and dicks the size of a pencil when you throw it out, or other displeasurable things. I tend to respect women and men who've been through some serious shit because those who have and have come out the other side well, are, like my parents, fucking epicly awesome. :)

I hear that I too have been something of that, at least, according to the women in my DBT group. :P

Hahaha

So, now you know a bit more about me, and perhaps a bit of why I am how I am, and why I will do anything for my parents, mom particularly, even though I want to [STAB! STAB! STAB!] when she goes all batshit crazy and is like "Boundaries?! THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS BOUNDARIES!!!" :P Yeah, both my parents could be like that, or dad would get too physical and mom would be like, "NO! BACK! [smack] Bad Marine, special forces, ..., no punching. Only I get to do that! ;) " Love you, Mom!

Whereas my dad would tell her to stop hounding me like her mom (automatic, trained behavior is SO AWESOME! :P ) and say stuff like, "Barbara! Leave him alone. BARBARA! THAT'S ENOUGH! He won't get anything done with you pounding on him. Chris, you've got five more minutes before I kick your ass." Or "...Give him an hour." But... He won't start after that!" Which is mom code for "No! Must club child into submission!" <=How I got awarded "Honorary Asian" for having an "Asian Mom". :P

And then dad would finally lose it with the [battle] between ADHD parent doing same behavior patters as her mother (which she knew didn't work, but you're asking her to think about impulsivity??? Hahahahaha!!! and ADHD son, with an ADHD Marine father! Shenanigans!). Dad would give her his drill instructor voice which was code for, "Bitch, shut up before I kick your ass, and while I know you think you can whip me, I let you win." (Palms face) and before I get the "Your father was abusive! You're poor mother!" Don't forget that she once tore off his ear and broke his ear drum in the process. Fucking crazy these two! Hahaha! And dad was mostly blather and hot air, like mom, and would use fear as the only effective ADHD treatment. It was the only thing assured to get my mom (or my dad) of eir ass. Nothing works like a crisis! Hahaha!

I know, people reading this probably think that I come from a "madhouse" filled with "crazies" and that my father was the "worst person on earth." My aunt Jane likes to go into this "poor me" worldview (I love you Jane, but in my personal and not quite professional opinion, you're a clinical narcissist, and I COMPLETELY understand why! Not your fault! But being a bitch as your age who refuses to cope or deal with it in any way, well, that IS your problem..." :P ) and see my dad as terrible or both my parents as so terribly toxic, but the facts are, they may have caused me enormous levels of stress, much outside of their control, they never stopped loving me, even during extreme PTSD bullshit where we acted like complete fucking psychos (perfect neighborhood too! Hahaha! BPD response: FUCK YOU, YOU SELFISH, NEAUVOU RICHE, SELFISH FUCKS! TRY ACTING CIVIL AND LOVING, AND MAYBE WE'LL TRY NOT TO MAKE YOU PISS YOURSELVES!"

The best parts were my parents having wars and DHS officers, as both my parents joked, "good little feminist bitches who want to lock [me] (dad)/[your father] (mom) up because they think [I]/[he] am/is abusive." Them they'd turn and start laughing. My mom was the worst. They had their problems. I'll admit it! But, they were wonderful even in their batshit craziness, which was mostly an external thing. It's easy to look in and see a disastrous home and another thing to be willing to fight it out with another person, stick with them through thick and thin, even if they have some of the WORST habits or tendencies, and yet love them enough, and want the best for them, that you WILL DO WHATEVER IT TAKES to help them (even if you have to kick their ass in the process). That level of loyalty and respect, to me at least, is breathtaking. Both my parents are very special people, and while they have caused me some harm, it's the not that difficult and totally understandable under the given circumstances, repairable kind. Not the level of twisted selfishness I see in the world around me that is the real source of my mental instability. The depravity outside my door that refused to put in the same level of dedication to another that my parents and I have towards other people. My parents didn't give up on people, they just ended up having BPD-like reactions after a while when people wouldn't change.

It took me many years and quite a bit of pain, but I think I knew my father in many respects better, save maybe for mom, than anyone on this Earth now living. He had enough crap that the fact he wasn't more crazy is like a jaw dropping event in it of itself.

I love my parents and would and will do anything for them. I just let a world convince me of something I know in my heart to be utter bullshit, yet because I no longer see the good, it's hard to muster the strength from within. My parents taught me so very much and in many ways I've been selfish and failed them out of my own neuroses. Yet, by this point, my audience is lost, judgemental, or simply incapable of fathoming the reality before them without oversimplifying and thinking that you childhood was a was or that my parents were monsters. I spent years in fear of being taken away and therefore couldn't talk about my inner pain for fear of what society might do to me. My father was no different. He feared judgement as a cultural aftereffect of Vietnam. He was abused when he came home. He was put into a mental institution by his mother when he told his father that she'd molested him, which was a result of her neuroses, her husbands behavior, and probably seizures. She pulled back from my dad, my aunt claims my dad has some mental disorder like bipolar, but then I've seen how she acts and it was her youngest son who molested and raped me, so, take it as with a grain, Merry. She claiming it was because he acted out, chased her around the house with a butcher's cleaver as a child, even though she was a truly sadistic, spoiled little c.u.n.t. (one of only a few women I, in my utter respect for the great women of this world would ever use to describe because of her utterly contemptible behavior, which again has logical causes). And even gran's behavior had other sides and sources. It's been a funhouse of puzzles. The full extent of the human condition playing out in one family. Utterly breathtaking in its absurdity, horror, and beauty.

People, humans want a simple world that's easy to compartmentalized, deal with, and move on, but the world, the real world of out there and in here is not simple except in it's utter respect to its complexity. People refuse to sacrifice, give up, or live by the suffering living in the real world demands. I get it, some people like my relatives are of a kind and level of toxic that requires a level 4-5 hazmat suit to even marginally safely cope with or deal with, but not everyone is like that. Not to mention even at their worst, their most truly and horrific, people should be loved and sacrificed for. It's humanity's greatest biological adaptation. Cooperation, sacrifice, unconditional love. A willingness to give up even life for another, and until you've seen that or been close enough to it to understand its significance, you'll never truly know the depths capable of love. And saying that outside of pain is easy. I know, but inside is another matter.

I struggle finding a balance and seeing this picture reminds me of my family and that willingness to sacrifice love.